So it's almost the new year....

Today is new years. I haven't even made plans yet. Fuck.

Things I want in the new year:

1. New Job
2. Relocate myself
3. Some Tattoo's (First Jan. 15th)
4. New friends
5. Be a Merch girl... tour with a band.
6. Start an online store
7. Try out for LOM
8. Travel
9. Model
10. Happiness... the real kind.

Things I want to leave behind:

1. My heart
2. ex boyfriends
3. bad memories
4. black cat
5. laziness
6. Pity on myself
7. Favorite pair of smelly shoes
8. woodbridge
9. 5-10 pounds haha
10. Cigs.

You called me a what?!

Crazy Girls.

How you gonna act, like you weren't just calling me a cunt like a day ago?

I have no chick friends that I hang out with a regular basis. I see my dude friends everyday. They give me good, straight up advice all the time. They don't get mad when I don't wanna hang out, they don't get mad when I wanna hang out with other people.

I feel like I want to call all my dude friends and thank them for being simple ass men.

If I had only girlfriends, I would be a totally different person.

Effin hate crazy girls.

I'll get around to a happy blog.

I don't like anyone right now.

It feels good saying that. It's not often I'm not clouding my head with guys and things that have no meaning. Flirting is good for the skin, bad for the brain. Makes you stupid. Stop smiling so much. Fuck.

I'm scared to fall in love again. I'm scared to loose myself again. I didn't know I lost myself last time, how will I know this time? I am a people pleaser. Making someone else happy, makes me happy. How can I constantly worry about someone else's happiness and mine at the same time? You can't. LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO WASTE ON SOMEONE ELSE.

Feel your thoughts.
Own your sins.
Own your faith, don't be afraid of it.
Let the life around you, inspire you, and enrich your soul.

Don't let others bring you down. Their negetives comments are just their own insecurities, not yours.

Get mad.

Forgive and never forget.

What I Want.

Some people get to be in these relationships that are so... amazing. They are eachothers best friends, their lovers, their roll dawgs, side kicks... I could go on and on. It makes me so sad when I think to myself out of all my relationships, I've never had that. I've never had a best boyfriend. I want my team. I want someone to love me unconditionally. To take care of me. No one ever does that. I've always been the good girlfriend. The one who is laid back, lets her boy go out with the boys without objection, the girl who can hang out with her dudes friends and they like her, the girl who has never cheated on her boyfriend. The kind of girl who won't even make new guy friends unless they are friends with her dude because I know how dudes heads work, but out of respect of my relationship, why would I need another friend? When my sidekick, thats all I need. I want to be with someone forever. I love being with one person for years. I didn't love the person I was with for years. But I loved being the commited girl. I love being commited to someone, I love to pamper and grow and love someone else. I want to share a connection with someone so deeply it kills me. I'm forever lonely. Even when I'm with people. I'm lonely. I'm lonely.

I'm fuckin sad as shit today.

I don't know what got me started today on my sad and depressed kick, but I'm in it. I'm so lonely, it kills me. I'm always trying to tell myself, you must be happy by yourself before you can make someone else happy. How the fuck you do you know when your all the way happy though? I feel happy sometimes, other time I feel like no one knows anything about me and I'm simply a smiling figure. Actually I really was thinking about it, I have a good amount of close friends, people I see often, I hang out with often. And really they have no clue about my life. How I grew up. Its fucked up. It's like everyone just thinks I'm like this person that no one needs to worry about because I'm always ok. I can do it on my own. I can do it on my own. I have for a long time. But why don't my friends know anything about me? And I guess the answer is that look that I get when people find out what happened. Like this poor girl, and all the sudden I'm damaged, and taken pity upon. Fuck that, I don't need that look. Then what are they thinking after they find out? They think I'm all fucked up in my head, and this is why I have issues with men. It's a problem. Do you know what it's like to have your seemingly perfect wall to come crashing down? One day your one big happy family and the next your finding out your father is a pervert and you aren't allowed to see him anymore unless supervised by someone appointed by the court. It's insane. I didn't realize what had happened for so long, I just didn't understand. But then I found the court documents one day and read the whole thing and remember being sick to my stomach. And then actual memories of me seeing my father to that to my sister started pouring in. I saw him do that. I saw him. That suppose to be the one man I trust, and you throw it all away? Everything, your children? It's just so fucked up. That could have ruined our family. And really, none of us are fucked up kids considering how it effected all of us. But all of us are seriously missing a big chunck of family. I don't think my family feels like a family. I get so jealous of people that have close families. After the divorce, all 4 of us were pretty much left to raise ourselves. And we did. I think we all turned out alright but, I feel like I missed out on a lot. I fear I will do the same thing to my children as my mother did to us. She hardly raised us. I know that woman did everything she could to keep us going. Single mother of 4, can't have it all. But it was just so apparent after awhile she was sick of the life she had and I think that she wishes she didn;t have all these kids, that need her attention. She just wanted to do her own thing, she was there when we cried and needed a hug, but there was no lessons learned. We learned how to do everything on our own. Without constant parenting. We thought to ourselves, didn't ask much, left eachother alone. Everyone always had something else going on, because family just wasn't important. I feel like my older brother and sister sometimes resent me and my younger sister because it was our father who fucked us up. We are a product of him. I am. I am very much like him, it scares the shit out of me. Minus the perversion, I fear there will be many mental issues I'll have to face eventually. I wonder what it would have been like to grow up with a dad. I remember I was a daddy's girl. I thought he was magical. He is an amazing artist. That's his only accomplishment. My sister and I are my mothers accomplishment. I live to make her proud. Even thought I don't think I've done much of that.

God, let me find my other half soon. I want to be needed. I'm not needy. I am me, on my own, everyday. But when is someone going to see me? and want to take care of me? I have so much to give, I have so much I want to give. I want to cherish someone. I am loyal. I am a good woman.

I'll follow you into the dark.

Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be a close behind I'll follow you into the dark
No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule I got my knuckles brusied by a lady in black
And I held my toungue as she told me 'Son fear is the heart of love'So I never went back
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
You and me have seen everything to see From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes...Are all worn down The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark Then I'll follow you into the dark

-Death Cab For Cutie

Where am I going?

Today just isn't a good day, one of those on the verge of tears at any second kinda day. I need to stop listening to sad music....I just changed it to Hatebreed. They always make me feel better. Make me happy and pissed at the same time. Weird.

I had a really good talk with a close friend of mine yesterday. About my life and where it's going. How I feel about the people I surround myself with. I feel like I'm stuck. I feel like I'm not living my life the way I should be. I'm tied down and I feel like I don't have the strength to break free. I don't have the strength to do much. I'm a weak person sometimes I think. But I also think that the enviorment I've been in for so long is the reason for it. And I'm scared about my life changing, cause that is a huge lifestyle change. But I want change, I fucking need some change in my life for real. It pisses me off how it's hard to find someone to go to a show with. I have really no friends that are really into live music and being apart of shows. It blows my fucking mind. I go to almost every metal show that comes to my favorite venue. I love it, everything about it. I love seeing bands I never heard of, I love music so much. I've been going down to Richmond a lot lately. I effin love it. Everything about it. The city is beautiful, all the old buildings, all the kids, there's straight energy running through that place, and I feel it, and I like it. I'll never go anywhere if I stay here. Never. I could never live my life in this place of Woodbridge. I wish I had a side kick I could depend on, I'd never go alone. I just couldn't.

god, let me find strength.

Me <3ing shows, nothing much more than that.

First off let me say, I fucking love going to shows. That shit my crack (I don't do crack). In day to day life, I'm not a roudy chick. Never been in a fist fight, never needed to be. And thats because I keep everything bottled up inside, it's easier to pretend to be happy than to express emotion. I wonder what it would be like, I think I'd kick ass... I'm pretty fucking angry inside. Anyways, I fucking love shows, they are amazing. It makes me feel so free and independent in a room full of people. Metal and hardcore empower me, it's like they give me the ability to feel emotion that I can't really express myself with my own words. Tonight I went and saw Shai Hulud and Born of Osiris, they both had me fuckin pumped. Born of Osiris took that shit though, I like to be in the middle of it all... I like to wait untill everyones going crazy and run full force into the crowd, it's so fun.

I started this entry and got distracted. Thats how I roll.

Tattoooooo

Mudvayne-Not Falling

Always, known in, all my time,A little left of center now
Reflect as I realize,That all I need is to find the middle pillar path to sit like the sun by a star in the sky and just be.
Sinners, casting stones at me
I... I stand, not crawling, not falling downI... I bleed the demons that drag me down
I... I stand, (for nothing), not crawling, (the center), not falling down (of calms within the eye)
I... I'll bleed, (for no one), The demons, (but myself), that pull me down (for me and no one else)
Goodbye, sunshine, I've put it out again, sad
I'm over, personalities, conflicting, I don't need you, or anyone, but me,
I'll just be, livingmy own lifeI feel my glowing center grow, infectingI feel alive
Shovel dirt over lime, plant it in myself to sit like a seed under covers of earth and just be
Sinners, pointing fingers at me
I... I stand, (for nothing), not crawling, (by myself), not falling down
I... I bleed, (for no one), the demons, (but myself), that drag me down
I... I stand, (for nothing), not crawling, (the center), not falling down (of calms within the eye)
I... I'll bleed, (for no one), the demons, (but myself), that pull me down (for me and no one else)
Come play kill
Refuse my body, refuse my shadowStond cold will
Refuse to lead this, refuse to follow Bitter pills Refuse to feed this, refuse to swallowI'm fueled godless
Come play, come play
KILL
Just be, just be
I... I stand, (for nothing), not crawling, (by myself), not falling down
I... I bleed, (for no one), the demons, (but myself), that drag me down
I... I stand, (for nothing), not crawling, (the center), not falling down (of calms within the eye)I... I'll bleed, (for no one), the demons, (but myself), that drag me down (for me and no one else)


-These lyrics mean a lot to me. I've spent a lot of time lost, I'm still lost. When I listen to this I feel understood.