Taking Applications?

WTF Asshole. We've been together for awhile and your taking applications? Your such a prick. You are such a prick. Don't you think for one second if I saw that maybe it would hurt my feelings? Apparently I'm not that special to you. I don't even know why I waste my time with your ass. I've been down this road with you so many times and it never takes long for your flakey personality to come out. When am I gonna figure out your just not right in your head. Your selfish, way more than myself. And you wonder why I'm scared to get hurt by you.... again.

Dear Ross

I never got to tell you how much you meant to me. I never knew how close you were to my heart, untill you were gone. September 19th was the sadest day of my entire life. I miss you so much it's unreal. We have a guy sitting at your desk, Tony. It's not the same without you here. Everything feels empty. You were literally sometimes the best part of the day. You always knew what to say to make someone feel better. Especially me. You were always rooting for me, even when I wasn't rooting for myself. Anyone whos ever met you, can say you were the sweetest pop pop they've ever met. I wish you would have been my granddad, all your babies were so lucky to have you. I think about you almost everyday and I have your picture on my mirror at home so I can see your happy face. I wish I could just hug you one more time and hear your hearty laugh, or hear one of your horrible jokes. Listening to "Lumps" by Fergie will never be the same ever again. I take my shoes off at my desk to honor you :o) You are the most amazing man. This letter doesn't even do you justice, no words could. I miss you terribley. Nothing will ever be the same without you here. Everyone feels the same way. I keep expecting you to walk through the door with your white shirt on and pen inks all over it haha. I don't have enough things to remember you by. Sometimes you pop in my dreams and that makes me happy because for a little bit we get to hang out and I think it's real.

I never told you I loved you, and I'll miss you forever.

Love, Anne

Hell and Half of Georgia

Seems I only write in this thing when I'm upset. So today I'm upset.

It's so often when I feel like I don't belong anywhere I ever am. I make the wrong decisions all the time. My feelings are hurt too easily. I have a tough outer shell and I'm butterflies, rainbows and dark clouds on the inside.

I want to be inspired. I wish I could just ask God, whats my plan?! Send me on the right path. I'm on a path of nothingness right now. Good thing I'm not addicted to drugs or alcohol, because I feel very self destructive right now. It's a strange feeling when all you want to do is never talk to anyone you know and just go somewhere and start over... be someone, somewhere different.

Everyone looks at themselves and sees themselves one way. I often wonder what other people see me as. There's a good saying "What other people think of you is none of your business." and I really do believe that. Because what good can come out of other peoples opinions about you... but what if something good does come out of it. Maybe it would give people a better outlook on themselves, maybe it would give me a better outlook on me.

I should know this by now..

I'm supposed to stay away from dudes with any name that starts with J.

I fucking hate him.

33

I know there's thoughts going through my head but if I were to try and say them out loud, I'd sound like I was drugs. A lot. I don't wanna do anything of this anymore. Any of it. I swear sometimes it would just be easier to not be here. Not like dead but just MIA. What am I doing for myself? I'm not happy. I'm never happy. Nothing really makes me happy. Everything makes me cry. I cry when I see something happy, or beautiful, something sad, something inspirational. Why all the tears? I can't even hold it in when I need to. A man got in the elevator this morning where I work and he smelled like something and I didn't know what the smell was but I knew it was my dads. And I cried as soon as he got out of the elevator. I'm always so lost. So so so lost. I feel like no one gets me, and sometimes I have no one to turn to. I don't really even get it. What's it going to take to get me to a place where I feel comfortable in my life. I met someone not that long ago who I felt like... like I was suppose to know him. Like he was suppose to protect me. Whatever. Nothing is ever the way it seems or feels in my head or heart. I like guys that never like me back. My life consists of.... blank. My thoughts feel blank, along with my love life. WTF is love anyway? I LOVE my dog, and my family... but they don't even know who I am. I don't even know who I am. I fucking complain way too much. I want run away.

Friday The 13th

It sucks how fast my mood changes, because of a dude. Ugh I'm so frustrated with myself.

Why can't people just say what they need to say? Are we 5 and in fear of getting grounded? Be a man. Say what you need to say. Don't make plans and then act like we never had them, and somehow I end up feeling bad because I get bitchy. It's soo weird how I go from Fuck you, to I'm sorry. What's that about? Do I have no backbone? I mean I say what I need to, straight forward no sugar coating but then I feel bad about it. I mean what I say, I always do. Whatever.

I started doing merch for some dudes who instantly became my brothers. These dudes are awesome. And they all have GF's which makes my world go round with happiness, and I met these girls and they are sweeter than sugar. It was awesome meeting new people, and I feel like I've known them forever. We all had inside jokes by the end of the night that I'll never let them live down. It was nice feeling like I was apart of something, I haven't had that feeling in a long time.

I've been researching UV tattoos. I really think they are awesome. I want to get covered in them. Haaa no just a full arm and neck sleeve... probably my chest too. Since you can't see them in regular light that makes me happy. I love tattoo's, everything about them. There's a process, find what you want, where you want it, the pain and the aftermath. It's so exciting. I won't ever get anything that visable with regular ink, I don't think I can or want to pull it off. I already know what I'm starting out with, it's so pretty.

Today is Friday the 13th. I don't have any superstitions about today, so it's just a regular day. I'm happy, I'm pissed, I feel bad, I tell everyone Fuck Off.... yup just a normal day.

I'm Making 2009 My Bitch.

2009 so far.

This is a great year so far. I love everything about it.

It just snowed yesterday, and that makes me so happy. It was a romantic day and night.

I couldn't be more excited about Jeremy and Me. I missed him so much.

My best dude friend confessed his love for me, in which I kinda flipped out... but I've been over this with him before. I think it's fucked up when your close friends put pressure on you like that, when they know you don't like them in that manner. It feels like our friendship to him has had alterior motives the whole time, for years. I feel betrayed almost. How am I suppose to talk about my private life with him? He know's I don't like him like that, he should have kept his mouth shut so things wouldn't be awkward. But they are. Ugh and for some reason I feel like this is partially my fault. I treated him so horriblely. I called him delusional for thinking I liked him. Thats just wrong. But for serious, that mother fucker is delusional if he thinks what he thinks. Whatever.

I got my Mudvayne tattoo. I love it to death, it's the sexiest thing. I felt sexy before, but not like this. It's a different kinda sexy, an even badder betty. I want more, tattoo's are beautiful. Takes forever to know what you want though. Even though I love this shit out of this tattoo. I'm like omg, I'm going to have this forever and whatever else I get. Thats quite a commitment. Hmmm no biggie.

What else?! Oh soooo many shows coming up!

This entry is crap.