Taking Applications?

WTF Asshole. We've been together for awhile and your taking applications? Your such a prick. You are such a prick. Don't you think for one second if I saw that maybe it would hurt my feelings? Apparently I'm not that special to you. I don't even know why I waste my time with your ass. I've been down this road with you so many times and it never takes long for your flakey personality to come out. When am I gonna figure out your just not right in your head. Your selfish, way more than myself. And you wonder why I'm scared to get hurt by you.... again.

Dear Ross

I never got to tell you how much you meant to me. I never knew how close you were to my heart, untill you were gone. September 19th was the sadest day of my entire life. I miss you so much it's unreal. We have a guy sitting at your desk, Tony. It's not the same without you here. Everything feels empty. You were literally sometimes the best part of the day. You always knew what to say to make someone feel better. Especially me. You were always rooting for me, even when I wasn't rooting for myself. Anyone whos ever met you, can say you were the sweetest pop pop they've ever met. I wish you would have been my granddad, all your babies were so lucky to have you. I think about you almost everyday and I have your picture on my mirror at home so I can see your happy face. I wish I could just hug you one more time and hear your hearty laugh, or hear one of your horrible jokes. Listening to "Lumps" by Fergie will never be the same ever again. I take my shoes off at my desk to honor you :o) You are the most amazing man. This letter doesn't even do you justice, no words could. I miss you terribley. Nothing will ever be the same without you here. Everyone feels the same way. I keep expecting you to walk through the door with your white shirt on and pen inks all over it haha. I don't have enough things to remember you by. Sometimes you pop in my dreams and that makes me happy because for a little bit we get to hang out and I think it's real.

I never told you I loved you, and I'll miss you forever.

Love, Anne

Hell and Half of Georgia

Seems I only write in this thing when I'm upset. So today I'm upset.

It's so often when I feel like I don't belong anywhere I ever am. I make the wrong decisions all the time. My feelings are hurt too easily. I have a tough outer shell and I'm butterflies, rainbows and dark clouds on the inside.

I want to be inspired. I wish I could just ask God, whats my plan?! Send me on the right path. I'm on a path of nothingness right now. Good thing I'm not addicted to drugs or alcohol, because I feel very self destructive right now. It's a strange feeling when all you want to do is never talk to anyone you know and just go somewhere and start over... be someone, somewhere different.

Everyone looks at themselves and sees themselves one way. I often wonder what other people see me as. There's a good saying "What other people think of you is none of your business." and I really do believe that. Because what good can come out of other peoples opinions about you... but what if something good does come out of it. Maybe it would give people a better outlook on themselves, maybe it would give me a better outlook on me.

I should know this by now..

I'm supposed to stay away from dudes with any name that starts with J.

I fucking hate him.

33

I know there's thoughts going through my head but if I were to try and say them out loud, I'd sound like I was drugs. A lot. I don't wanna do anything of this anymore. Any of it. I swear sometimes it would just be easier to not be here. Not like dead but just MIA. What am I doing for myself? I'm not happy. I'm never happy. Nothing really makes me happy. Everything makes me cry. I cry when I see something happy, or beautiful, something sad, something inspirational. Why all the tears? I can't even hold it in when I need to. A man got in the elevator this morning where I work and he smelled like something and I didn't know what the smell was but I knew it was my dads. And I cried as soon as he got out of the elevator. I'm always so lost. So so so lost. I feel like no one gets me, and sometimes I have no one to turn to. I don't really even get it. What's it going to take to get me to a place where I feel comfortable in my life. I met someone not that long ago who I felt like... like I was suppose to know him. Like he was suppose to protect me. Whatever. Nothing is ever the way it seems or feels in my head or heart. I like guys that never like me back. My life consists of.... blank. My thoughts feel blank, along with my love life. WTF is love anyway? I LOVE my dog, and my family... but they don't even know who I am. I don't even know who I am. I fucking complain way too much. I want run away.

Friday The 13th

It sucks how fast my mood changes, because of a dude. Ugh I'm so frustrated with myself.

Why can't people just say what they need to say? Are we 5 and in fear of getting grounded? Be a man. Say what you need to say. Don't make plans and then act like we never had them, and somehow I end up feeling bad because I get bitchy. It's soo weird how I go from Fuck you, to I'm sorry. What's that about? Do I have no backbone? I mean I say what I need to, straight forward no sugar coating but then I feel bad about it. I mean what I say, I always do. Whatever.

I started doing merch for some dudes who instantly became my brothers. These dudes are awesome. And they all have GF's which makes my world go round with happiness, and I met these girls and they are sweeter than sugar. It was awesome meeting new people, and I feel like I've known them forever. We all had inside jokes by the end of the night that I'll never let them live down. It was nice feeling like I was apart of something, I haven't had that feeling in a long time.

I've been researching UV tattoos. I really think they are awesome. I want to get covered in them. Haaa no just a full arm and neck sleeve... probably my chest too. Since you can't see them in regular light that makes me happy. I love tattoo's, everything about them. There's a process, find what you want, where you want it, the pain and the aftermath. It's so exciting. I won't ever get anything that visable with regular ink, I don't think I can or want to pull it off. I already know what I'm starting out with, it's so pretty.

Today is Friday the 13th. I don't have any superstitions about today, so it's just a regular day. I'm happy, I'm pissed, I feel bad, I tell everyone Fuck Off.... yup just a normal day.

I'm Making 2009 My Bitch.

2009 so far.

This is a great year so far. I love everything about it.

It just snowed yesterday, and that makes me so happy. It was a romantic day and night.

I couldn't be more excited about Jeremy and Me. I missed him so much.

My best dude friend confessed his love for me, in which I kinda flipped out... but I've been over this with him before. I think it's fucked up when your close friends put pressure on you like that, when they know you don't like them in that manner. It feels like our friendship to him has had alterior motives the whole time, for years. I feel betrayed almost. How am I suppose to talk about my private life with him? He know's I don't like him like that, he should have kept his mouth shut so things wouldn't be awkward. But they are. Ugh and for some reason I feel like this is partially my fault. I treated him so horriblely. I called him delusional for thinking I liked him. Thats just wrong. But for serious, that mother fucker is delusional if he thinks what he thinks. Whatever.

I got my Mudvayne tattoo. I love it to death, it's the sexiest thing. I felt sexy before, but not like this. It's a different kinda sexy, an even badder betty. I want more, tattoo's are beautiful. Takes forever to know what you want though. Even though I love this shit out of this tattoo. I'm like omg, I'm going to have this forever and whatever else I get. Thats quite a commitment. Hmmm no biggie.

What else?! Oh soooo many shows coming up!

This entry is crap.

People Marry Murderers

Learning new things about people everyday.

You never know anyone. Never.

Thats what I've learned.

Thank you.

Blah blah blah is my fucking pride.

Today I sent an email to someone. I don't know how I manage to get my feelings hurt by someone who's not even my friend. But I hate it when people hate me and he really does.

I let him know how it made me feel for him to treat me like that. I liked him. He treated me like a whore. I'm not a whore, not even close. I told a mutual friend the fucked up shit he did. I wish I would have never talked to that fucking kid. I wish I would have never ever known him at all.

Sometimes sorry, doesn't mean shit. I hurt his pride and guys like that, it's really all they have. I made him look like a bitch in front of his boys and allllllll around it's just fucked up.

But why do I care? I mean, he's not my friend, I don't like him anymore, I never see him, shit I'll never have to see him again at some point soon. So why I care that he deleted me off his friends list?! hahahahahaha

All I'm gonna say is a big huge Fuck You, and I hope life brings you much success and love.

Anne is Betty... is really Good Luck Chuck

Maybe I'm not as great as I think I am. It's weird, I meet people guys a lot. And it starts out the same, they are totally in to me but then all the sudden they aren't ready for a relationship. I don't understand. All of my relationships since Ryan, have just ended so fucked up and so abruptly. I had a dream last night most of my ex's were in it. WTF is up with me lately? All this ex talk, it's like I can't get away. I'm like Good Luck Chuck, minus the sex no joke. Almost every guys Ive dated since my first boyfriend even have been with the same girl since they've dated me. 1 st married the girl after me, 2nd boyfriend married the girl after me and had a baby, 3rd was Ryan who now lives in the building next to me with the girl he was always trying to turn me into... some blonde, bubbling, amazon looking woman... she's beautiful ha if thats what your into haha. After Ryan, the guy I talked to for awhile got his ex girlfriend pregnant and married her... then Mihos, literally the only guys who's ever broken my heart, he left me for the girl who is his fiance now. Then David, who is now engaged and his girlfriend is moving across the country to be with him. Ya know maybe I should just be happy for these people. It's like I'm making people want to be in a commitmented relationship, just not with me. Why not me? I'm always thinking there's so much I wouldn't have gotten to do this past year if I would hAVE been in a relationship. I love all the new people I've met and everything I've gotten to do. Every other day I'm saying... it's a good thing for me to be single right now, I'm too easily distracted. But then I see a cute couple and remember that I want that.

I was also noticing something else about the guys that I go for. There's not much stability and reality in guys that are in bands, or that are very involved with music and the industry. I dated a suit and tie for 4 1-2 years. He didn't like my music, my friends, my life. I kick myself often for the shit I put up for all those years, but it was his daughter that made me want to stay. Thats another entry. But I was with someone who I couldn't talk to about music, or go to shows with or even shoot the shit like a regular ass kid. Why can't I just meet someone who's cool as fuck, wants to go to every show possible, has a good soul, good morals, good friends. Hhaha as soon as I meet that guy, we'll talk and then he'll fall in love with the girl standing right behind me. So typical. Shit it feels like I get dumped by guys that are just supposed to be my friend recently.

What is wrong with me, really?

Who the fuck am I talking to?! haha