Wednesday, February 25, 2009
33
I know there's thoughts going through my head but if I were to try and say them out loud, I'd sound like I was drugs. A lot. I don't wanna do anything of this anymore. Any of it. I swear sometimes it would just be easier to not be here. Not like dead but just MIA. What am I doing for myself? I'm not happy. I'm never happy. Nothing really makes me happy. Everything makes me cry. I cry when I see something happy, or beautiful, something sad, something inspirational. Why all the tears? I can't even hold it in when I need to. A man got in the elevator this morning where I work and he smelled like something and I didn't know what the smell was but I knew it was my dads. And I cried as soon as he got out of the elevator. I'm always so lost. So so so lost. I feel like no one gets me, and sometimes I have no one to turn to. I don't really even get it. What's it going to take to get me to a place where I feel comfortable in my life. I met someone not that long ago who I felt like... like I was suppose to know him. Like he was suppose to protect me. Whatever. Nothing is ever the way it seems or feels in my head or heart. I like guys that never like me back. My life consists of.... blank. My thoughts feel blank, along with my love life. WTF is love anyway? I LOVE my dog, and my family... but they don't even know who I am. I don't even know who I am. I fucking complain way too much. I want run away.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Friday The 13th
It sucks how fast my mood changes, because of a dude. Ugh I'm so frustrated with myself.
Why can't people just say what they need to say? Are we 5 and in fear of getting grounded? Be a man. Say what you need to say. Don't make plans and then act like we never had them, and somehow I end up feeling bad because I get bitchy. It's soo weird how I go from Fuck you, to I'm sorry. What's that about? Do I have no backbone? I mean I say what I need to, straight forward no sugar coating but then I feel bad about it. I mean what I say, I always do. Whatever.
I started doing merch for some dudes who instantly became my brothers. These dudes are awesome. And they all have GF's which makes my world go round with happiness, and I met these girls and they are sweeter than sugar. It was awesome meeting new people, and I feel like I've known them forever. We all had inside jokes by the end of the night that I'll never let them live down. It was nice feeling like I was apart of something, I haven't had that feeling in a long time.
I've been researching UV tattoos. I really think they are awesome. I want to get covered in them. Haaa no just a full arm and neck sleeve... probably my chest too. Since you can't see them in regular light that makes me happy. I love tattoo's, everything about them. There's a process, find what you want, where you want it, the pain and the aftermath. It's so exciting. I won't ever get anything that visable with regular ink, I don't think I can or want to pull it off. I already know what I'm starting out with, it's so pretty.
Today is Friday the 13th. I don't have any superstitions about today, so it's just a regular day. I'm happy, I'm pissed, I feel bad, I tell everyone Fuck Off.... yup just a normal day.
Why can't people just say what they need to say? Are we 5 and in fear of getting grounded? Be a man. Say what you need to say. Don't make plans and then act like we never had them, and somehow I end up feeling bad because I get bitchy. It's soo weird how I go from Fuck you, to I'm sorry. What's that about? Do I have no backbone? I mean I say what I need to, straight forward no sugar coating but then I feel bad about it. I mean what I say, I always do. Whatever.
I started doing merch for some dudes who instantly became my brothers. These dudes are awesome. And they all have GF's which makes my world go round with happiness, and I met these girls and they are sweeter than sugar. It was awesome meeting new people, and I feel like I've known them forever. We all had inside jokes by the end of the night that I'll never let them live down. It was nice feeling like I was apart of something, I haven't had that feeling in a long time.
I've been researching UV tattoos. I really think they are awesome. I want to get covered in them. Haaa no just a full arm and neck sleeve... probably my chest too. Since you can't see them in regular light that makes me happy. I love tattoo's, everything about them. There's a process, find what you want, where you want it, the pain and the aftermath. It's so exciting. I won't ever get anything that visable with regular ink, I don't think I can or want to pull it off. I already know what I'm starting out with, it's so pretty.
Today is Friday the 13th. I don't have any superstitions about today, so it's just a regular day. I'm happy, I'm pissed, I feel bad, I tell everyone Fuck Off.... yup just a normal day.
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