I'm fuckin sad as shit today.

I don't know what got me started today on my sad and depressed kick, but I'm in it. I'm so lonely, it kills me. I'm always trying to tell myself, you must be happy by yourself before you can make someone else happy. How the fuck you do you know when your all the way happy though? I feel happy sometimes, other time I feel like no one knows anything about me and I'm simply a smiling figure. Actually I really was thinking about it, I have a good amount of close friends, people I see often, I hang out with often. And really they have no clue about my life. How I grew up. Its fucked up. It's like everyone just thinks I'm like this person that no one needs to worry about because I'm always ok. I can do it on my own. I can do it on my own. I have for a long time. But why don't my friends know anything about me? And I guess the answer is that look that I get when people find out what happened. Like this poor girl, and all the sudden I'm damaged, and taken pity upon. Fuck that, I don't need that look. Then what are they thinking after they find out? They think I'm all fucked up in my head, and this is why I have issues with men. It's a problem. Do you know what it's like to have your seemingly perfect wall to come crashing down? One day your one big happy family and the next your finding out your father is a pervert and you aren't allowed to see him anymore unless supervised by someone appointed by the court. It's insane. I didn't realize what had happened for so long, I just didn't understand. But then I found the court documents one day and read the whole thing and remember being sick to my stomach. And then actual memories of me seeing my father to that to my sister started pouring in. I saw him do that. I saw him. That suppose to be the one man I trust, and you throw it all away? Everything, your children? It's just so fucked up. That could have ruined our family. And really, none of us are fucked up kids considering how it effected all of us. But all of us are seriously missing a big chunck of family. I don't think my family feels like a family. I get so jealous of people that have close families. After the divorce, all 4 of us were pretty much left to raise ourselves. And we did. I think we all turned out alright but, I feel like I missed out on a lot. I fear I will do the same thing to my children as my mother did to us. She hardly raised us. I know that woman did everything she could to keep us going. Single mother of 4, can't have it all. But it was just so apparent after awhile she was sick of the life she had and I think that she wishes she didn;t have all these kids, that need her attention. She just wanted to do her own thing, she was there when we cried and needed a hug, but there was no lessons learned. We learned how to do everything on our own. Without constant parenting. We thought to ourselves, didn't ask much, left eachother alone. Everyone always had something else going on, because family just wasn't important. I feel like my older brother and sister sometimes resent me and my younger sister because it was our father who fucked us up. We are a product of him. I am. I am very much like him, it scares the shit out of me. Minus the perversion, I fear there will be many mental issues I'll have to face eventually. I wonder what it would have been like to grow up with a dad. I remember I was a daddy's girl. I thought he was magical. He is an amazing artist. That's his only accomplishment. My sister and I are my mothers accomplishment. I live to make her proud. Even thought I don't think I've done much of that.

God, let me find my other half soon. I want to be needed. I'm not needy. I am me, on my own, everyday. But when is someone going to see me? and want to take care of me? I have so much to give, I have so much I want to give. I want to cherish someone. I am loyal. I am a good woman.